Four Smart People
by The Creatress
Summary: HPHouse Crossover.SSHG,Hameron. Prof. Snape and Healer Granger are feuding. Dr. House and Dr. Cameron are feuding. For March Break, Snape visits his friend, House and Granger visits her cousin, Cameron. WW3 breaks out at the PPTH.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer - I don't own Harry Potter. I don't own House. If I did, I would put SSHG and Hameron in dirty, funny role play situations for my amusement. But I can't. Because I don't. ... This sucks.

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Author's Note:

Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

luv

Creatress

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**Four Smart People**

Prologue Letters

Sev,

I am the greatest friend in the whole wide world. I don't know why I do things for you... She quit and I was free. Then, I went back and met all - well, one; she only had one - of her crazy demands. I am now, once again, in the position of having to deal with a young, innocent, doe-eyed she-devil who insists of making my life hell. All of this, just so that I can join you in your misery.

Honestly, the alarm bells were going off when I trying to talk her back to work - she didn't want more money, office space, perks. She wanted a date. A date. I'm not so surprised, now that I think about it. Manipulative chit. Anyways, Wilson decided that it was glorious news and that Cameron would be the end of my suffering, or something... Something about her "mending my broken heart." Funny, my heart didn't sound or feel broken until after the date. It was something at that damned restaurant. Gave me fuckin' heartburn.

Anyways, the date went better than I expected. I had a chance to speak my mind. Apparently, she was hurt. Came to work with red eyes, red nose, the whole package... I don't see what the big problem was. I was just being honest. She's looking at me. Right now. This instant. She thinks I can't see her. Because looking at me like a wounded kitten all day is going to make me melt, apologize and write fluffy sonnets about her beauty. Oh, great, she's coming over here now...

So how's your young, innocent, doe-eyed she-devil? ...

- Greg

xXxXxXx

Gregory,

You are an idiot. You had a chance at freedom and you blew it. _My _misery does not like company. It likes strong whiskey and maybe a cigar once in a while.

This morning, that hellcat told me off - for my own good, because she cares about me - for drinking so much coffee. Then she told me I should get my teeth checked. Then she told me that the reason for my teeth being the way they are is because of the coffee. One of the most brilliant medical minds of the century and this is her diagnosis. A child could have figured it out. Then again, maybe she _is _intelligent - when compared to other doctors.

You see, Gregory, a friend of mine was offered heaven on earth with no strings attached. He chose to dive headfirst into the depths of Tartarus instead. Because misery likes company, apparently. Here's hoping your heartburn kills you. And, thus, I've proven my friendship. Only a true friend would subject a man to euthanasia rather than have him spend more time with the American Granger.

This place is slowly driving me insane... Everybody here is on my back because "I treat her much too harshly." Lupin's words; not mine. He's taken to trying to persuade me into spending time with her to get to know her. Someone - I don't know who, but I suspect it's one of these boys who keep faking illnesses to visit Granger at the infirmary - keeps setting my clothes aflame during sporting events. The headmaster, between heckling me about my treatment of the new school doctor, has suggested that I take a vacation. For once, I think the old codger may be on to something.

- Severus

xXxXxXx

Hey, Mione.

Gods, you don't how glad I was to get your email. I doubted I could ever stop crying... That date with House was a nightmare. The worst in history. And I'm not being melodramatic - it was absolutely _horrid_. He told me that I only liked him because he was damaged. That he was nothing more than my next charity case. I don't love - I _need_. Gods, I've never felt worse in my life. But he's right - I don't love him. I hate him. I hate him so much, it _hurts_.

I just don't understand what sick satisfaction he gets out of being alone. Or of constantly hurting anyone who comes within a ten meter radius. Why do I bother? He's just a surely old jerk who takes pleasure in hurting his colleagues.

I wish I could talk to you, Mi. I can't call my parents because they would never understand. And I definitely can't talk about House to anyone else who works at PPTH. I feel so alone; I wish you were here...

Love, Allison

xXxXxXx

Hi, Allison.

Listen, this is going to be short, because I've got to get back to work. After reading your message, I thought I should respond ASAP.

I was just... shocked... and offended by what House said to you. It sounds like you're having a hard time right now. It must be difficult to focus on work with that hanging over your head. Listen, March Break is coming up and I won't be needed at the school, so... Wish granted.

We'll find a way to deal with House. As you know, I have experience with surely, old jerks who take pleasure in abusing their colleagues. We'll find a way to sort all of this out, dear, don't worry.

If not, we'll set him on fire.

Love, Hermione.

xXxXxXx

Severus Snape was sitting at his desk, menacingly watching his second years, who were quietly reading their texts. Not one of them dared to pass a note or whisper a few words to their neighbours. Smirking inwardly in satisfaction, he turned to the small wooden box on his desk, which had just flashed white. Frowning, he opened it and picked up the ball of white paper, unfurling it and ironing out the crinkles with wandless magic. Greg had responded... So soon?

_Great. Come on over. You can help me wreak havoc on this place - it may save me from insanity. - Greg_

Severus smirked. He'd planned on spending March Break holed up at Spinner's End, reading and getting drunk, but wreaking havoc in a hospital seemed highly appealing. And it would give him a good opportunity to use his brain. A Muggle setting would mean no magic, so there would be no cutting corners. Also, as close as he and Gregory House were, there was a constant rivalry between them. Anything could turn into a contest and this would provide the mental stimulation he'd lacked at Hogwarts.

Greg had been one of the few of Severus' friends since his preteen years. Severus had met him through the international pen pal program that his muggle school, one he attended until age eleven, had forced on all of its students. His association with the American had been one of the things that held him back from the Death Eater bandwagon all of his Slytherin classmates had quickly joined. Greg had also helped him get through other tough situations in his life, just as Severus had helped him. Though neither one of them would admit it out loud. Should a problem come up, Severus would whine and complain about it, careful to hide certain emotions behind heavy sarcasm, in a letter and put it into the wooden box on his desk. The box would send the letter to the Greg's own box, which Severus had sent him when he'd left for Hogwarts at age eleven. Greg would then write a reply, crinkle it up into a paper ball, take a few steps back from the box and toss it in, watching with a slightly proud quirk of his lips as the ball flew neatly into the box. He would shut the lid and go back to business, while waiting for Severus to respond.

Greg was also special in the fact that he was the only muggle to know Severus. And know that he was a wizard. Severus had told him at eleven and Greg had believed him. Easily. Of course, he did. He was eleven. The summer after Severus had graduated his first year, he had gone to America to visit and he'd showed him many spells. Greg watched with fascination, swore never to tell anyone, and never did. It was simple as that.

Severus visited every other summer, only for a day or two. Greg usually had to work and he had his independant research to do. The summers when he didn't go to America, Greg flew to England. Also staying for a few days. Work kept them apart, but they stayed in touch.

A sharp ring of the school bell snapped Severus out of his reverie. With a dismissive wave of his hand, he got rid of the class. Leaning back in his chair, he stared at the short note, wondering if he should accept the invite. He really didn't know what to say.

The fire in the fireplace suddenly flashed green and the Headmaster stepped through the flames. He dusted off his ridiculously decorated robes (shamrocks, shamrocks, Leprechauns and more shamrocks) and smiled at the Potions Master. "Hello, Severus. I was hoping for a word. Are you busy?"

"No, sir."

"I am in desperate need for help, Severus. You see, there was a terrible accident in one of the greenhouses today and so many students were hurt. So, naturally, much of the hospital wing's resources were depleted today. I was wondering if you could help Dr. Granger brew more this March Break?"

Severus's hand closed around Greg's letter and he smirked. "I'm terribly sorry, Headmaster," he said, looking about as sorry as a ten-year-old on his birthday. "But I just promised Gregory House that I will be visiting him in America during March Break."

Dumbledore broke out into a grin. "Ah! Greg! How is he?"

Dumbledore had met Greg when he'd popped into Spinner's End the previous year during Greg's visit. Dumbledore had immediately grown to like him.

xXxXxXxXx Flashback...

A green flash from the fireplace alerted the two men to a third's party's presence. Greg stopped in mid-motion as he prepared to check Severus's king with his knight and turned around to see Dumbledore. Before either Severus or the Headmaster could move to make an introduction, the American had smirked, looking rather impressed, as he looked the older man over. "Wow, Santa Claus on a diet." He turned to Severus and loudly exclaimed, "Your world is fuckin' awesome!"

Severus only smirked. "Gregory House, Albus Dumbledore."

Dumbledore, a little dumbfounded, reached out to shake Greg's hand. "Hello," he said politely. "You are..."

Greg shook the offered hand. "A doctor from the great U.S. of A. I'm here to figure out what's wrong with Sev here," he said, tone serious.

"Check," Severus intoned, intent on ignoring Dumbledore until he left.

Greg turned to frown at him. "I haven't made my move yet!"

"You've run out of time. Now, I suggest you move quickly or quit."

Greg turned back to Dumbledore and mouthed "Lost cause."

Dumbledore, who had realized that Greg was joking and was a friend of Severus', broke into a big smile. He shook his head and decided to officially welcome Greg into his good graces and favour. "Lemon drop?" he asked, taking the small pouch out and having one for himself.

Greg looked at him. "No... Vicodin?" He reached into his own jacket.

Before Dumbledore could reply, Severus cut in. "That's quite enough, both of you." He scowled at Greg. "No, he will not have Vicodin."

Greg popped a pill. "I would never have given him any. What do you think I am? Generous?"

Severus ignored him. "What is it, Headmaster?"

"Aurora Sinistra will be hosting a dinner tonight for the staff. A midsummer's feast. Will you come?"

"No."

"Expected." Dumbledore shrugged, had another lemon drop and smiled at Greg, who was watching him with a raised eyebrow. "Keep an eye on him, will you, Gregory?"

"You're running out of time again, Greg."

Greg threw one of his discarded pawns at Severus, which the Potions Master neatly caught before it hit him between the eyes. He turned back to Dumbledore. "Sure, Al," he said with a wide grin. Dumbledore gave him another smile before disappearing through the fireplace again. Greg frowned at Severus. "You mentioned that candy before. He takes those lemon drops often?"

Severus snorted before nodding. "Yes. Why?"

"Nobody who eats that much candy stays that thin. He took one when he saw a new person, then again after you refused his invite - both situations of stress. Perhaps he's addicted." Greg looked at him. "Are you sure they aren't really drugs?"

xXxXxXxXxXx End of flashback...

Severus bit the side of his tongue. It wouldn't do to inform the Headmaster that Greg had deemed him an anorexic Santa Claus with a drug problem. Or simply a bulimic Santa Claus, if it really was candy... Severus eyed him. No matter how fitting either description might be. "Greg's fine." Dumbledore smiled at him and Severus almost shuddered to think what might be going through his head - 'Aww, Severus has a friend. Rainbows, flowers, sunshine and drugs - er, lemon drops.'

The headmaster nodded. "Then have a nice break," he said, sincerely, walking back to the fireplace. He threw some dust in. "When will you be leaving?"

"Tomorrow night," Severus responded.

Dumbledore nodded. "Say hello to Gregory for me," he said, turning back to the fireplace. "My office." And he stepped in, vanishing in the flames.

Severus pulled out another piece of parchment. 'I'm not sleeping on your couch again,' he started writing.

xXxXx

There was a knock at the door as soon as Dumbledore arrived in his office. "Enter!" he called, slipping into his seat behind his desk.

The door opened and the new school nurse came in, smiling softly at Fawkes, who crooned at the sight of her. Hermione Granger, a fully certified mediwitch, had given up her work at St. Mungo's to move to Hogwarts for two reasons. One, it gave her more time to spend on personal research and experimentation. And, two, it took two minutes of Dumbledore's begging to make her crumble. Not to mention the fact that Hogwarts was like a second home to her.

He looked her over. She was wearing muggle clothing of a knee length black skirt and a short-sleeved cream coloured blouse, which was not unusual, but her white healer's robes were usually on over them. She was also clutching a small handbag. "Going somewhere?" he asked.

Hermione hesitated a little. "The potions the infirmary needed..." she started.

"I'm afraid Severus will not be able to help, my dear," Dumbledore cut in. "He already had plans for March Break."

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about," Hermione said, frowning a little. "March Break."

Dumbledore gestured for her to take a seat. "What has happened? You seem... distracted."

Hermione perched on one of the seats. "I know I was supposed to spend the break brewing potions for the infirmary, but... Something has happened," she finished, lamely.

Dumbledore's eyebrows knitted in concern. "What has happened?" he asked. "Are you alright? Is it your family?"

Hermione shook her head. "My cousin..." she faltered, wondering how deep into Allison's story she wanted to go. "Something's happened to her and she's all alone right now."

"Hermione, your friends and family must come first before work," the headmaster said. "Besides, I wanted you to take time off. You've been working so hard lately." At Hermione's raised eyebrows, he laughed a little. "I've been looking for excuses to simply order the potions we'll need."

Hermione smiled. "Thank you, Headmaster."

"Call me Albus, Hermione. So is this someone I know?"

Hermione ignored his first request - these from her former teachers were just awkward. The only two people she got along with on staff on a first name basis were Remus Lupin and Neville Longbottom. "No. Allison Cameron's my cousin, from America."

"Oh, so she knows about us?" Dumbledore asked.

Hermione nodded. "In fact, she was the main reason I charmed this," Hermione said, pulling a Blackberry out of her handbag.

Dumbledore smiled at the sight of it. "Ah, yes. You've managed to retrieve it from Arthur Weasley?"

Hermione nodded. "Yes. He was disappointed to see it let it go."

"Muggle technology that works in magical settings is something many will want. I imagine the muggleborn students would have been more excited than either Arthur or I if the board had consented in letting us use comp - uters." He shook his head and changed the topic. "So is she a dentist?"

"She's a doctor. An immunologist. She's just having some personal troubles about work."

Dumbledore gave her a look. "Don't tell me you're going on vacation to work."

"No," Hermione answered. "Just... Management troubles?" she tried.

Dumbledore's frown only deepened.

"She talked a colleague into a date and he crushed her," the healer stated, bluntly.

"Oh," Dumbledore said. "I see. Terrible." He shook his head. "Go give him hell."

Hermione grinned. "Yes, Sir," she responded, dutifully.

"When will you be leaving?"

"Tomorrow. I'm gone as soon as - " A beautiful noise came from the Blackberry, and Fawkes sang with it for a second. Hermione gave the bird another smile before turning to it. "Oh, that's her now."

Dumbledore smiled. "You had better go and pack then, Hermione."

Hermione gave him another grin before getting up and leaving, closing the door behind her. After reading Allison's short message ("Thank you! I can't wait till you get here! P.S. Set him on fire?"), Hermione started replying. _'First of all, yes, fire. Second, I'm not sleeping on your couch again...'_

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_A/N_

_Uh oh, The American Snape and Granger and the British House and Cameron at same place at the same time. :o... Only everyone's favourite she-devil knows how this will end... (smirks) She'll tell you if you review..._

_luv_

_Creatress_

XxXx **Scene from next chapter** xXxX

"You know him?" Cameron asked Granger, who was still glowering at Snape.

"I'd seen him here before. I was hoping that I was dreaming," Granger replied, obviously still angered over their earlier meeting.

"Dreaming about me now, Granger?" Snape asked, with a wry smirk. "Until this moment, You Know Who was the most fearsome thing in history."

"Who?" House and Cameron asked.

"You-Know-Who," Snape and Granger responded, absent-mindedly.

"No, I don't know who," House stated, irritated as Cameron looked on in confusion.

Snape ignored him and spoke to Granger. "I would love to stay and be subject to your…" His lip curled. " – _presence_ - " Granger scowled. " – however, I've grown to value my sanity. Good day." With that, he turned and swiftly left the room.

House looked after Snape in shock, before slowly turning to Cameron and Granger. His eyes fell on Granger and he then realized who the new girl was and what had just happened. "Holy shit… The Wicked Witch of the East has come to Princeton Plainsboro."


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer - I don't own Harry Potter. I don't own House. If I did, I would put SSHG and Hameron in dirty, funny role play situations for my amusement. But I can't. Because I don't. ... This sucks.

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Author's Note:

Hope you all enjoyed Ch. 1. Special thanks to everyone who reviewed! Here's ch. 2...

luv,

Creatress

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Four Smart People

Chapter 1 - PPTH

Allison Cameron fiddled with her car keys as she waited at the terminal. It was early morning, she was tired, she had a new, complicated case at work and she hoped for her surroundings' sake that her cousin would show up soon. Finally, Hermione appeared at the terminal, lugging her carry-on. She looked tired, but when her amber eyes met Allison's grey ones, she broke out into a huge smile. In spite of herself, Allison grinned as well as she rushed forward to relieve Hermione of the backpack and give her a hug.

"I haven't seen you for so long!" Allison exclaimed, looking her over. The girls' mothers were cousins, but she and Hermione still had a lot of similarities. Both were short and curvy, with wide Bambi eyes, though Allison's were grey and Hermione's were a light brown. They both had pale skin with rosy cheeks and long thick dark brown hair - Allison's tresses were straight and her cousin's were curly. "Your hair looks great," Allison couldn't resist adding with a smirk, tugging on a ringlet. Hermione only rolled her eyes.

During a game of truth or dare the a few years ago, Allison had dared Hermione to straighten out her hair a bit and keep it that way. Hermione went through with it, raging about shallowness and frivolity and the like throughout the whole process. Allison had finally shut her up by pointing out that morning hair care would take her a few short minutes now, allowing her more time for work. This was better than spending half an hour every morning trying to run a brush once through the brown bush she had before. Besides, hair care was a good part of looking presentable...

"Besides," Allison had asked. "Who wants to take advice from a doctor who didn't take care of herself?"

"The blind and the bald." This was, however, the last comment ever uttered about it.

"Move over. I'll drive," Hermione offered. "You look ready to fall over."

"I am not. Witches drive?" Allison asked, getting into the driver's seat. "I would have thought a broom would work completely differently from a car."

Hermione settled herself into the passenger's seat and put her seatbelt on before grinning at her cousin. "I don't do brooms. They don't have radios."

"Ah. And this has nothing to do with your fear of heights?"

"Nothing at all... So, what are we doing today?"

"_We _can't do anything. It's Friday. _I_ have to go to work," Allison said, face emotionless.

Hermione glanced at her as she pulled out of the parking lot. "Well, then, what am I doing?"

Allison didn't reply for a second. Then a small smile formed across her lips. "You can always... " She thought for a second. "Visit?"

"The Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital? Me? They allow that?" Hermione asked.

"Dr. Cuddy - she's the dean - she won't mind. I mean, you _are _a doctor," Allison said, with an unsure frown. "We're all still human. There can't be that many biological differences between... Umm... Your people and my people..." She faltered, hesitantly.

Hermione glanced at her with a frown. "Witches and muggles?"

Allison's eyes widened and she shook her head. "Brits and Americans... _Ow!"_ She rubbed the spot on her arm where Hermione had swatted her and gave her a mock glare. "Wait until the next red light," she warned. Hermione only laughed. Allison's voice took a serious tone. "But honestly," she said. "You'll have to make observations or something. House probably wouldn't keep you around if you're completely useless... I mean, anywhere near as useless as he is most of the time." She'd tried to sound emotionless or maybe disappointed in House's lack of drive, but she ended up sounding exasperated at best. Even then, Hermione thought she could pick up a bit of adoration behind Allison's words.

"Oh, right, right. The infamous Dr. Gregory House. Did anything happen today?"

Allison shook her head. "Nothing." At Hermione's curious glance, she elaborated. "We're basically running around pretending that nothing happened."

Hermione frowned. "Confrontation phobic?"

"Well, he does lock up and hide in his office whenever Cuddy comes looking for him..."

Hermione nodded, assertively. "Confrontation phobic."

xXxXxXxXx

"Be cool. Act natural. Remember, they won't hurt you if you hurt them badly enough first. Look out for the Australian - he'll attack without warning," House muttered in warning. He could imagine Snape smirking behind him. "Ready?" the American asked, one hand on the doorknob.

Snape nodded, raising an eyebrow. He looked through the glass wall to see a white blonde man and a black man in the office already, both totally oblivious to their presences just outside. They _looked _harmless enough...

House gripped the doorknob. "Three... Two... One - !"

_"House!"_

"Ah!" House and Snape both whipped around in surprise. House had raised his cane and was holding it up like a sword. Snape had been startled enough that he'd almost reached for his wand, which he'd tucked reduced and tucked into the inside pocket of the black blazer he'd borrowed from House. He stopped himself when he saw that it was just a small woman, who was storming toward them. House still held the cane up though. "Good Lord, Cuddy, I've been here for two minutes. It wasn't me - it couldn't have been!"

"One of the patients we had during the epidemic a few days ago... You told her that her husband was a cross dresser?!" she screamed.

House lowered his cane, if only a little. If he'd seen the raised eyebrow Snape had given him then, he ignored it. "I had good reason to believe he was."

"They're sueing," Cuddy hissed. "You caused them emotional suffering."

House put his cane down and rolled his eyes. "He's wearing her clothes. I'd say there already was emotional suffering."

Cuddy only glared at him. "Extra clinic duty," she stated.

House frowned. "Aww, but, Mommy...!"

Cuddy scowled at him, and turned away. She'd only taken two steps when she whirled back. Her eyes narrowed as she focused on Snape, who stared evenly back at her. "And you are...?"

"This is Prof. Severus Snape," House said. He looked pointedly at Cuddy. "I wouldn't talk to him."

Cuddy only looked at House with a tired frown before turning to Snape. "Dr. Lisa Cuddy," she said, offering a hand.

Snape shook it firmly. "Prof. Severus Snape."

"You're a friend of House's?" she asked, warily.

"Of course, he is. I'm Dr. Gregory House. Everybody's my friend."

Snape smirked and Cuddy recoiled. "Welcome to Princeton Plainsboro, Professor," she said. At Snape's nod, she turned back to House. "Twenty more hours of clinic duty this week. I suggest you get to work on your case." She once again nodded at Snape and glared at House before turning and stalking away.

There was silence for a moment before House turned to Snape. "I've forgotten to ask... How's Santa?"

"Thin, drugged and irritatingly cheerful," Snape replied, dryly.

House smirked and shoved the office door opened. "Who's our victim today?" he asked loudly, by way of greeting. He walked to the coffee pot and found it empty. "Where's the coffee?" he whined, looking around the machine, as if it might be hiding.

"Cameron isn't here yet," the blonde said. He looked at Snape. "Who's that?"

House sighed, dejectedly. He used his cane to point at Snape. "Snape." He then waved it at the blonde and the black man. "Chase. Foreman." He then frowned. "Where's Cameron?"

"She had to pick up someone at the airport," the blonde, Chase, explained. He had an Australian accent. "She should be here in a bit..."

House crinkled his nose in disgust. He turned to his team. "I'll look over the patient's files. You two go get us coffee."

Chase and Foreman glowered at him before nodding at Snape and walking out. After they left, House turned to Snape. "I know, I know. I shouldn't waste time. But, _they_ can't brew good coffee and _you_ are supposed to be on vacation away from any kind of brewing."

"I'm grateful that you've grown _considerate_," he said the word rather contemptuously. "I don't disapprove," he continued. "There are a few things man can not live without. Good alcohol and good coffee."

"And vicodin."

xXxXx

Allison and Hermione had just stepped out of the elevator on the third floor of the PPTH when Allison pointed out House. "There he is," she said, trying to be subtle.

Hermione saw the tall, brown-haired doctor who was clad in a gray blazer and denim jeans, leaning against a cane. However, her eyes quickly shifted to the man he was with. He was also tall and slim like House, however, he was in a black suit and had black hair. They were too far for her to see any details, but she could have been sure he was familiar. She frowned and shook her head when Snape came to mind. Why the hell would he be here?

"Oh, Dr. Cuddy," Allison was talking to a small woman and Hermione shifted her attention. The two men had gone into the office anyway. "This is Dr. Hermione Granger. She's from England."

"Hello, Dr. Granger. You're a friend of Cameron's?" Cuddy asked.

Hermione nodded. "I'm her cousin," she said. "I am here on vacation and…" She glanced at her cousin. "Cameron thought I might like to visit the PPTH."

Cuddy smiled in welcome. "You may stay for as long as you like, Granger. Just try not to be mentally scarred by our Differentials department." Allison laughed, but Cuddy frowned, seemingly completely serious. Allison sobered, seeing her expression. "Unfortunately, House seems to have brought in some support from England as well." She nodded at the women. "Good luck, ladies."

Allison only momentarily raised her eyebrows before turning to grin at Hermione. "Here we go," she said. She smiled, wryly. "Ready, Granger?"

Hermione mirrored her smile. "Anytime you are, Cameron."

xXx

Dr. Granger followed Dr. Cameron down the hall and to an office with glass walls, which were partially hidden by blinds.

"Welcome to the Differential Diagnosis Department," Cameron said, opening the door. She led Granger inside. However, before Cameron could move to make an introduction, she (and House) felt the air grow noticeably thicker with tension.

Snape scowled when he saw who followed Cameron in. "Doctor."

Granger had fixed her eyes on House's pen pal. "Professor," she greeted, curtly.

"You know him?" Cameron asked Granger, who was still glowering at Snape.

"I'd seen him here before. I was hoping that I was dreaming," Granger replied.

"Dreaming about me now, Granger?" Snape asked, with a wry smirk. "Until this moment, You Know Who was the most fearsome thing in history."

"Who?" House and Cameron asked.

"You-Know-Who," Snape and Granger responded, absent-mindedly.

"No, I don't know who," House said, irritated as Cameron looked on in confusion.

Snape ignored him and spoke to Granger. "I would love to stay and be subject to your…" His lip curled. " – _presence_ - " Granger scowled. " – however, I've grown to value my sanity. Good day." With that, he turned and swiftly left the room.

House looked after Snape in shock, before slowly turning to Cameron and Granger. His eyes fell on Granger and he then realized who the new girl was and what had just happened. "Holy shit… The Wicked Witch of the East has come to Princeton Plainsboro."

Granger raised her eyebrows at the reference and frowned. Cameron only looked bemused. "Dr. Granger, Dr. House," she said, though certain that her cousin already knew who the man was. She turned to House and frowned. "Why would you call her that? You know she's a witch?" She glanced at the door Snape had stormed through a few seconds ago. "Who was that?"

"That was Severus Snape," House replied. "He's a friend." He gestured at Granger with his cane. "Hermione Granger, the Allison Cameron of England." He narrowed his eyes at them, looking both of them over. "Don't tell me you're sisters?" Before one of them answered, he answered himself. "Wait, no, of course not. Different last names. Your families are too nuclear and traditional and far too perfect for divorces, so… Cousins?"

Both girls narrowed their eyes at him. "How do you know Snape?" the curly-haired doctor finally asked. Cameron looked at House, curiously.

"I told you," House said. "He's a friend. Speaking of which, I probably should have gone after him by now. But, I like to be alone after dealing with _you_, so could the same logic be applied to him?" He raised an eyebrow at Cameron, who scowled at him. "Apparently not." He stalked out, cane preceding him. As he walked out, he grabbed the carry-out tray full of coffees from Chase's hands, not bothering to stop and explain what was happening.

Chase and Foreman exchanged puzzled looks and walked into the office. "Oh, hello," Chase broke out into a grin when he saw the two women. Cameron and Granger had sat down, Cameron trying to calm down her seething cousin while trying to keep her own emotions in check. "Who's this?" he asked, taking Granger's hand.

Cameron sighed and began another round of introductions.

xXxXx

House found Snape out by the second floor's indoor balcony, staring at the doctors, nurses and patients streaming across the lower floor of the PPTH. He set the coffee tray on the sill. "See, I've just noticed that you have never told me exactly why she might… dislike… you."

Snape picked up his cup of coffee and a few packets of cream and sugar that the doctors had brought along with them. "Dr. Granger has never seen eye to eye with me on many matters, especially when she was my student. My marking, teaching methods, disciplinary methods - "

"Disciplinary methods?" House smirked. "What did you do? Spank her with your wand?"

Snape turned to him with a raised eyebrow. "Pardon?"

House shrugged. "If you aren't up for foolish waving, you might as well do _something_ with it." Snape turned away and thought for a second before a rather evil smirk crossed his lips. House rolled his eyes. "Stop fantasizing about it."

Snape turned back to him. "I'm not fantasizing."

House raised an eyebrow.

Snape started walking back toward the Differentials Department. "There's a difference between fantasizing and planning," he muttered. "Don't you have a patient to get to?"

"I know you think that your vacation's ruined," House said, catching up to him. "But Granger being here could make everything all the more interesting."

"Since when did you turn into an optimist?" Snape asked, frowning a little. He shook his head. "I doubt it. You'll be bombarded with questions, comments and suggestions every minute until you pass out. How can it be interesting?"

"World Wars One and Two were interesting."

Snape snorted, remembering the recent war with the Dark Lord. "No, they were actually quite boring." He turned to House. "However, I've promised you that I'll help you wreak havoc here."

House grinned. "Good."

"Them versus us?" Snape clarified.

"Them, meaning the whole hospital," House answered. "Save Wilson, they don't like me much."

Snape smirked. "A smoking crater _would_ look good right about…"

"There," House finished, nodding toward the clinic. There was a reason he and Snape got along so well. They'd reached the Differential's Department. Before House could open the door with his hand, Snape stopped him.

"Something you should know," he said. He smirked at House's raised eyebrow. "Wands are actually small and thin. If someone's been annoying me for years on end, I'd look for something longer, thicker and harder. Perhaps something with a proper handle as well?"

House almost laughed at loud at the insinuation. For half a second, Snape thought House hadn't understood, but then, instead of pushing the door open with his hand, he caused his swing wide open by slamming it with his cane. "Christina Aguilera has nothing on us," he muttered. "Dirrrrrty…" he slurred as he walked in, followed closely by a smirking Snape.

xXxXx

A/N

Hope you enjoyed the second chapter. In chapter 3, WW3 officially begins. Here's a snippet:

xXxXx

"_He once scared a boy into blowing up half of his class," Granger snapped. "Of course, he's worse."_

"_It's a chem class – things'll blow up," Cameron replied. "House once scared a patient into a seizure."_

_Granger raised her eyebrows. "He… What?"_

"_It's true," Chase put in._

"_Okay, fine, we'll get him first," Granger relented. "What would you like to do?"_

"_File his cane?" Chase asked._

"_That's been done before," Foreman stated as Cameron shook her head._

_Granger frowned. "You would file a cripple's cane? You don't know where he may be when it snaps. He could've gotten seriously injured."_

_Cameron mirrored her frown. "You would set a chemistry teacher on fire? You don't what chemicals were on his. He could have blown up."_

_Chase turned to Granger with a wide grin. "You set Snape on fire?"_

_Granger nodded, rather proudly. "Many times, and he hasn't caught me once yet." She turned to Cameron. "House isn't a chemistry teacher. Let's set him on fire."_

_Cameron shook her head. "No, he'll be on fire enough when he dies and goes to hell." She started pacing. "I want to…" She shook her head. "Drive him absolutely crazy…"_

"_Well." The group turned to Foreman, who was looking at House's office with a small, sly smile. "I have a way to make him crazy enough so that even Vicodin can't save him…" _


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer - I don't own Harry Potter. I don't own House. If I did, I would put SSHG and Hameron in dirty, funny role play situations for my amusement. But I can't. Because I don't. ... This sucks.

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Author's Note:

Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

luv

Creatress

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Four Smart People

Chapter 2 – Franz and Sophia Get Shot

Snape and House entered the patient's private room, followed by Chase and Foreman. Cameron and Granger both entered last, standing away from Snape and House.

There was one girl, the patient, who was sitting in bed, counting the holes in the ceiling. She was an eighteen-year-old who had black hair that went just past her shoulders and blue eyes. Her cheeks were rosy… As insignificant as that fact may be, it absolutely must be stated or a crazy kiwi would wreak havoc on the world…

Another girl, also eighteen, was standing beside the bed, with black hair with blonde streaks and dark eyes. She was also staring up at the ceiling.

House flipped the girl's file open. "Alright, Maggie Davids?" he asked. He frowned, looking at her papers. "Under the 'What's Wrong' section, it just says 'Lots.'"

The girl who was standing up raised her hand. "Yeah, I filled that out!" she said. She frowned. "There didn't seem to be enough room, you see…"

"Who are you?" Foreman asked.

"I'm Nisha Mohan, a friend of hers," she answered. She looked from Snape to Granger and back. "You two - " she gestured at them – "would look _so_ hot together." Snape and Granger's eyes both widened and they glanced at each other. Granger quickly looked away as Snape glowered at Nisha.

Maggie frowned up at her friend. "No," she said. She gestured at House and Cameron. "These other two would look hotter."

Nisha raised her eye-brows. "Who?" She looked between Cameron and House. "Dr. Cameron and Dr. House?"

Maggie suddenly squealed. "I love that show!" she screeched.

The six professionals in the room stared. Nisha spoke again, "See, she keeps screaming that every time someone says 'House' - "

"I love that show!"

Snape raised an eyebrow. "Perhaps you should just send her to the psychiatric ward?"

Maggie looked at him, earnestly. "Would you like to come with me?" Snape scowled at her. Maggie blinked. "What?"

"That's actually not a bad idea," Granger put in. She ignored the look she received from the Potions Master then.

"That enough, you two," Foreman said.

House sighed and turned to his team. "Chase, Foreman, do a bunch of tests that have really long names." He waved them away. "Cameron, you're good at manipulating people. You and Granger can stay and figure out what Davids isn't telling us." He turned to Snape. "I snuck a bottle of gin in. Let's go mix it with Molsen Canadian and drink up."

"Excuse me?" Maggie asked, looking at them incredulously. "I'm sick. You need to be sober in order to save me!"

"Nah…" Nisha muttered. "Whole countries work drunk."

House suddenly looked at her with a revolted expression. "Ew – _Canadian_!" Nisha, being Canadian, only gave him a reproachful look.

Maggie scowled at her. "Quiet, Canuck."

"Actually, House being drunken works in your favour," Snape said. He smirked at his friend, who was looking curiously at him. "This way, he's more likely to notice completely random things that his drugged mind will somehow link back to your case, giving him the epiphany he'd need to correctly diagnose you."

House looked at him. "I'm perfectly able to diagnose people without outside influences."

Snape walked past him. "Prove it."

Casting a glance at his staff, House quickly followed Snape outside. "So the games begin…" he muttered. "I thought we were putting up a united front this time?"

Snape stopped and turned to him. "I appologise."

House stared at him. "You're upset about something. What?"

"I'm not upset," Snape stated. "I'm plotting." House only raised an eyebrow. "My revenge."

"Against Granger? For being a know-it-all?"

Snape looked at him. "This is one of the few chances I have where she's away from my two bosses, both of which look after her as if she's their own."

House leaned against a table. "Well, what are you planning?" He paused. "Sorry, _plotting_. Planning doesn't sound nearly as evil enough."

Snape frowned. "That's the problem. I have so far come up with nothing. Well, nothing muggle."

"I could help," House shrugged.

"You can keep Cameron away from her," Snape replied. "They seem to be joined together at the hip. Every plan I've made involves her being alone."

"Does she have a weak spot?" House asked.

Snape opened his mouth to reply "not that I know of" when a calculating look passed his features. He turned to House.

"What?" House asked, growing a little nervous.

"I don't know any," Snape answered. "You wouldn't mind finding out for me, would you, House?"

House raised an eyebrow. "How could I…?" Before he could finish, Snape was already walking away. "Where are you going?" he called.

Snape glanced back at him. "To send Granger flowers."

xXxXxXx

When Granger and Cameron returned to the Differentials Department a bit later, Allison spotted a single red rose on the staff table with an envelope. _Hermione_ was written on it in neat, cursive writing.

"It's for you," Cameron said, handing her the envelope as her cousin picked up the flower and sniffed it.

"It's pretty," Granger remarked, opening the envelope to find a letter. 'Dr. Granger, Please pardon my rudeness during our first meeting. Please allow me to make it up to you over dinner. Give me a response by 3:00AM. I would also greatly appreciate it if you tell no one else about this, as it might cause some people discomfort. Signed, Dr. Gregory House.' Her heart thumped against her chest, not in anticipation, but in worry. She looked at the elaborate 'Gregory House' signature and gulped.

"Who's it from?" Cameron grinned.

Granger glanced up at her and frowned for a second. "Umm, it doesn't say," she lied.

"What does it say?"

"Asked me out to dinner."

Cameron grinned. "It must be Chase."

Granger scrunched up the letter in her hand. "I think we're a little too old for secret admirer stuff…" She paused. "I don't think I'll be going."

Cameron looked at her. "Why not?" she asked. "You're on vacation."

Granger thought for a second. "I'll go… But as a dinner between colleagues."

Cameron shrugged. "Seems fair."

Granger looked at her for a second. "I've got to go." And she bolted.

xXxXxXx

Foreman and Chase walked into House's office. "The tests revealed nothing," Foreman reported.

Chase looked around. "Where's Snape?"

House frowned at him. "Why would you like to know?"

Chase shifted uncomfortably. "He just looks familiar…" he said.

House narrowed his eyes at him as he got up. "You have masochistic tendencies. Snape's a sadistic bastard." He studied Chase's wide eyes. "Have you two met before?"

"No!" Chase exclaimed.

House continued to look at him suspiciously as he took the files from Foreman and left the office. As he passed the staff room, he spotted Cameron. "Has she told you anything that would help?"

Cameron shook her head and looked up to face him, face and tone neutral. "She's clean from alcohol, drugs, STDs… I'm just going to go over her history and see if there's something we've missed."

House nodded, apparently unfazed. "Right," he said, his tone showing that he didn't believe her. Without another word, he left to go visit the patient.

When House got there, he saw that Granger was in the room with them. She glanced at him with an odd look when he entered, but he brushed it off. He turned to Maggie. "You must be on _something_."

Maggie shook her head.

"But you _must_," Nisha said to her. "House."

"I love that show!"

Nisha turned to House, shaking her head. House was staring at Maggie, his eyes narrowed. He suddenly reached forward and tugged out one of her hairs.

"Ow!" Maggie shrieked. She frowned at House before swiftly smacking his around his head.

Nisha, once again the Canadian and therefore, a natural peacemaker, valiantly jumped in between them.

House frowned at them. "You're Canadian." He turned to Maggie. "You're not American. Why are you _here_?"

"We're tourists," Maggie replied. She reached around her friend and hit him again.

House scowled at her. "What the hell was that for?!" he demanded.

Maggie only shrugged.

"Are you doing that on purpose or can we consider that a symptom?" Granger mumbled.

"It's fun," Maggie said to her.

Nisha hit House, who scowled at her. "She said it was fun," the Canadian shrugged before slinking away under his glare.

House moved out of hitting range and examined Maggie's hair. He frowned. "You have blonde roots," he stated.

"So?" Granger asked.

"So she's dyed her hair black. I think it's called artificial intelligence."

Granger tried to make sense of this. "There's something wrong with her because of the dye she used?" she asked, confused.

House shook his head. "You're a doctor; you should know this." He waved the hair at her. "All blondes, not only are they stupid, are weird."

Granger looked at him in disbelief. "She's _blonde_? That's your diagnosis?"

House looked at her. "It fits all the symptoms."

"Chase is blonde."

"I hired to him to play eye candy to all the female patients. Nothing else." He flicked the hair away. "Tell Foreman to schedule a hair transplant." With that, he left.

Granger turned to the two girls, who were looking at her in shock.

"Was he serious?" Nisha asked.

Granger looked through the door House had gone through. "I'm not sure…" she mumbled. "I'll be right back," she said to the girls before running out to follow him.

Outside, Granger caught up to House, who stopped and only raised an eyebrow at her. "I can't!" she gasped.

House pretended to look surprised. "Why not?"

Granger caught her breath. "Allison's my cousin and she's one of my best friends." She shook her head. "So, you see, I simply _can't_."

House looked at her with a strange look on her face. He decided that her hair was dyed, too. "I think you can." Giving her another strange look, he turned and walked away, leaving her speechless.

However, House had only gotten two meters away before Snape appeared in front of him. "I thought you couldn't pull that vanishing and appearing act in normal-people settings?" he asked.

Snape smirked. "I didn't. I am just that damn _sneaky_."

House just nodded. "Whatever you say."

"Wait until I leave, turn back to Granger and tell her: Monday night, 7:00PM at Madame Lulu's."

House looked at him with an expression similar to the one he'd given Granger a moment ago. "Why?"

"Just do it. Don't you trust me?"

House only looked at him.

"Do it anyway!" Snape barked and left, vanishing almost as quickly as he came.

Sighing in defeat, House turned around. "Granger!" he called. Granger looked up at him. "Monday night, 7:00PM at Madame Lulu's!" Granger looked like the Apocalypse had come, House quickly turned away and hobbled quickly to the safety of his own office.

xXxXxXxX

Snape frowned as he walked through the hospital hallways, trying to find the way to the Diagnostics Department.

"Professor Snape?"

Snape stiffened and turned around. It was the blonde – Chase. He didn't know exactly _why_, but the man kept reminding him of one Ronald Weasley.

"No, it's Count Dracula," Snape muttered, wishing he could disapparate away. He turned and started walking.

Chase fell into step behind him and gave him a small smile. "You could be. You're tall, pale, dressed all in black…"

"As long as we're pointing out the obvious, you're a short, blonde man-child who needs his hair only two more inches longer before he could successfully pass himself off as a woman."

Chase looked at him and smiled. "You've got a British accent!" he exclaimed.

Snape frowned. "_You_ have an annoying one." He never really did like Australians.

Chase ignored the jab. "Dr. Granger's British as well," Chase said. "She's _pretty_," he added, looking Snape over as if wondering why he wasn't pretty as well.

Snape caught the once-over and sneered. "Steve Irwin was Australian as well. He's _dead_."

Chase, however, missed this jab. "I know. It was such a shock! After everything the man's faced – lions, tigers, crocodiles – the creature that finally finished him was a bloody _fish_!"

Snape pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, feeling a headache coming on. House would pay dearly for this.

"So what are you doing here?" Chase asked.

Snape raised an eyebrow at him, before turning to a map that he spotted on the wall. "I'm looking for House's office."

"No, I mean, with House. Are you, like – his _friend_, or something?"

Snape barely glanced at the blonde. "No."

Chase blinked dubiously. "Then, what are you?"

"Human," Snape replied, smoothly, wishing that he had a ferocious fish with a sharp tail. Seeing the look Chase gave him, he inwardly sighed and elaborated. "House and I like to drink and insult people. So, sometimes, we do it together." He frowned, unable to find the Diagnostics Department on the map.

"Hm," Chase mumbled, not really knowing what to make of it.

Snape looked at him and resisted the urge to hit him. No matter how desperate he was to find House, he wouldn't stoop so low as to ask this man for help. "Shouldn't you be at the Diagnostics Office, working?"

Chase nodded. "Yes, let's go then."

Almost sighing outwardly in relief, Snape followed him.

xXxXxXxXx

Granger returned to the Diagnostics Department to find Cameron going over the patient's medical history. "Allison?" she asked, tentatively.

"Yes?" Allison asked. She looked at her cousin and noticed how tense she was. "What is it?"

Granger sat down across from her. "I don't know how to tell you this…" she muttered. "But…"

"Are you okay?" Cameron asked, frowning.

"That dinner with a colleague…"

Cameron giggled. "Hermione, please, he sent you a rose. It's a date."

Granger looked at her. "This isn't funny," she said, tone serious.

Cameron looked at her and raised her eyebrows.

Granger wordlessly held out the crumpled note. "I didn't know what else to do."

Cameron took it and, giving her cousin a confused glance, opened it.

"I told him I couldn't. But I don't think he heard me," Granger finished, lamely.

Cameron read through it and her eyes narrowed.

"I'm sorry," Granger said. "But I didn't - "

"Don't be," Cameron cut in, still staring at the note.

"But I am," Granger said.

"No, I mean, don't be. This isn't House's writing," she stated.

Granger's eyebrows rose. "What?"

"See how loopy the G is?" Cameron shook her head. "He'd never make a G that loopy."

Granger stared at her.

Cameron looked up and smiled sheepishly. "Long story." She shook the note. "Besides, this isn't the way he'd usually talk anyway." She frowned. "It sounds more like a… Cambridge lit student or something…"

"But who…" Granger's voice trailed off when Chase and Snape entered the office. She froze when she saw the Potions Master, but quickly turned away and looked at Cameron. "I know." Half a second before she turned to smile brightly at Chase, a dangerous look flashed across her eyes.

When Snape had disappeared into House's office, Cameron smirked at Granger. "We'll get him."

A thunderous look came across Granger's face, but she smiled nevertheless. "Something bad's going to happen," she sang in a soft voice.

Chase suddenly thought of thriller movies, especially the ghost girl's soft singing out of Nightmare on Elm Street. "Did I miss something?"

"Very bad," Cameron intoned. She turned to Chase. "House and Snape are dead men," she said, cheerfully. She turned to her files again. "Please tell Foreman to meet us for lunch in Meeting Room 4?"

Chase only nodded, looking between Cameron and Granger with a bit of fear.

xXxXxXx

"So we're meeting here out of the blue to plan ways to hurt Snape and House?" Foreman asked. "I understand Snape, but why House?"

"House was probably in cahoots," Cameron said, bitterly.

Foreman shrugged. "Reason enough for me. Who are we getting first and how?"

"Snape/House," Granger and Cameron stated at once. They looked at each other. "Snape/House is more evil!"

"Snape once scared a boy into blowing up half of his class," Granger snapped. "Of course, he's worse."

"It's a chem class – things'll blow up," Cameron replied. "House once scared a patient into a seizure."

"He…! … What?" Granger raised her eyebrows.

"It's true," Chase put in.

"Okay, fine, we'll get him first," Granger relented. "What would you like to do?"

"File his cane?" Chase asked.

"That's been done before," Foreman stated as Cameron shook her head.

Granger frowned. "You would file a cripple's cane? You don't know where he may be when it snaps. He could've gotten seriously injured."

Cameron mirrored her frown. "You would set a chemistry teacher on fire? You don't what chemicals were on him. He could have blown up."

Chase turned to Granger with a wide grin. "You set Snape on fire?"

Granger nodded, rather proudly. "Many times, and he hasn't caught me once yet." She turned to Cameron. "House isn't a chemistry teacher. Let's set him on fire."

Cameron shook her head. "No, he'll be on fire enough when he dies and goes to hell." She started pacing. "I want to…" She shook her head. "Drive him absolutely crazy…"

"Well." The group turned to Foreman, who was looking at them with a small, sly smile. "I have a way to make him crazy enough so that even Vicodin can't save him…"

"What is it?" Cameron asked, a look of hunger in her eyes.

Foreman cringed away from her a bit. "Umm… It's really simple… I'll go do it right now. You all wait here." He left quickly.

The group was waiting impatiently when he returned fifteen minutes later.

"What did you do? What did you do?" Cameron squealed. Even Granger gave her a strange look this time.

Foreman grinned proudly and gingerly held out his prize. Cameron squealed and threw her arms around Foreman and Chase paled. Granger looked at them, confused.

"He'll kill you!" Chase gasped. "He'll murder you in your sleep!" He started backing away.

Cameron grinned. "You're a genius, Eric!"

Granger threw up her hands in exasperation. "People!" she snapped. They turned to her. "It's a bloody _ball_!"

Cameron carefully took the blue, red and white ball from Foreman's hands. "This isn't just any ball. This is House's ball."

Foreman nodded, happily. "He'll go crazy within two hours. Three at the most."

"He's addicted to bouncing it around," Cameron said. Granger only looked at her. "Honestly, Hermione, he needs his daily ball fix almost as much as he needs his Vicodin."

"Why didn't we just take the Vicodin then?" Granger asked.

"He can get more at the pharmacy," Foreman said. "He can't replace this ball."

Chase was shaking his head in horror. "This is going too far. Way, way too far. We've crossed the line."

"Shut up, Chase!" Cameron snapped. She turned to the ball and gingerly petted it. "Good ball…" She turned to her friends and smiled, nastily. "Alright, now for Snape…"

Granger, as dumbfounded as she was at the ball, had to smile. "Any suggestions?"

"Does he have a girlfriend?" Chase asked.

Granger frowned at him. "I doubt it… Why?"

Chase only shrugged. "Just curious."

Giving him a strange look, Granger turned to the others. "Anybody else?"

Cameron smiled. "Yes…" She looked at her cousin. "You say he's a… Something of a _chemistry_ teacher?"

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A/n

Review!!! (Plz?)

Luv

Creatress


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